Brandon, Josh, and I (along with two young dudes my parents hired for the heaviest stuff) managed to pack and arrange all of my parents’ belongings they wanted to take out to Washington. Everything else was garage saled, given to me to sell on commission, or just given to me to have. Ella house was already chock full of stuff, now it’s stuffed. It’s pretty hard to move through the space now. Brandon says it’s going to get better, and it probably will, because he’s right about most things, but it’s pretty stressful for me right now. I can’t work in my studio again, because it’s filled with boxes. I also really miss my parents, especially Dad. I’d gotten so used to seeing him at least once a week, crashing at his house when it was too loud or dirty at Ella. And now he’s gone and I don’t have anywhere to be except here, which intensifies my feeling of being TRAPPED.
Staying in Kansas is hard for me. Most of the people I’m friends with have left. I have a few people I like hanging out with in town and they are great people, but when someone leaves, it opens that wound of being LEFT BEHIND. At times I feel like everyone else is getting on with their lives and I’m just stuck. I know this is false though because:
1) Just because your leaving Kansas doesn’t automatically mean you are now in the REAL WORLD and doing IMPORTANT THINGS. Additionally, REAL WORLD and IMPORTANT THINGS are false constructs.
2) I’m not stuck. I’m doing lots of things: Two Crow Press, MXTW (though that just ended which is it’s own kind of sadness), first anocratic improvisation in STYROFOAMLAND, etc.
Things are very complicated at the moment between all these new objects moved into Ella house, multiple job possibilities, the Flinn California house being sold (I have to go out there one last time, I love that house and the land out there, I’m pretty sad my father and uncles have decided to sell it–but I have no claim to it–though I dread in my gut I’ll never set foot in a house that nice again), my business, etc. Trying to figure out the logistics and budgeting of possible flights and living arrangements is really tiring.
At least there’s oolong tea and curried chicken salad to eat for lunch…